Sunday, April 06, 2014

The Final Part (!!) of Dean's Ridiculously Long GoT Overview

credit: tshirtonomy.com
BEYOND THE WALL
Mance Rayder, King-Beyond-the-Wall
Status: Alive! Beyond the Wall
Why he matters: He is a former member of the Night’s Watch who has united the Wildlings and is leading them on an attack on the Wall.

Craster, Wildling, ally of the Night’s Watch
Status: Dead! Killed by Karl
Why he matters: He was an ally of the Night’s Watch. After the attack by the White Walkers at the Fist of First Men the Night’s Watch flee to his Keep. His overall awful demeanor leads to the Mutiny at Craster’s Keep and the death of Jeor Mormont.

Gilly, Wildling
Status: Alive! At Castle Black
Why she matters: She’s definitely going to get Sam to break his vows. Sam the Coward manages to be brave for her and kills a White Walker and saves her from rape at Craster’s keep.

Gilly’s Son, Wildling
Status: Alive! At Castle Black
Why he matters: If Sam didn’t take her from Craster’s he would have been sacrificed to the White Walkers.

Orell, Wildling, warg
Status: Dead, killed by Jon Snow/Alive, an eagle
Why he matters: He exposes the fact that Jon Snow had not truly turned against the Night’s Watch. He’s a warg able to put his consciousness into animals. Now that his body is dead, he is stuck as an eagle.

Ygritte, wildling
Status: Alive! South of the Wall
Why she matters: She leads Jon Snow into an ambush after he fails to execute her. She gets Jon to fully break his vows. She shoots Jon when he flees back to the Wall. Everything she does is trouble for Jon.

Lord of Bones, Rattleshirt
Status: Alive. Beyond the Wall
Why he matters: His raiding party captured Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand. He has an awesome skull mask.

Tormund Giantsbane, Wildling
Status: Alive! South of the Wall
Why he matters: He is leading the attack on Castle Black.

Stiv, Wildling
Status: Dead. Killed by Theon Greyjoy near Winterfell
Why he matters: He fled south with Osha to escape the White Walkers and attempt to kidnap Bran.

Wallen, Wildling
Status: Dead. Killed by Robb Stark near Winterfell
Why he matters: He fled South with Osha to escape the White Walkers and attempt to kidnap Bran.

White Walkers
Status: Walking
Why they matter: Normal weapons don’t hurt them. Bring some fire and dragonglass.

Wights
Status: Undead
Why they matter: The dead are rising again. Better burn them.

credit: randomization.com
INDEPENDENT ACTORS AND PEOPLE I MISSED WHO ARE ACTUALLY NOT INDEPENDENT AT ALL

Sandor Clegane, the Hound
Status: Alive! In the Riverlands with Arya Stark
Why he matters: He’s protecting our beloved Arya as the newest odd couple on Game of Thrones (now that the Brienne and Jaime traveling roadshow is done). He killed Micah. He killed Berric Dondarrion but he got better. He tried to take Sansa from King’s Landing but she (probably wisely) refused.

Petyr Baelish, Lord of Harrenhall
Status: Alive, on his way to the Eyrie to try to marry Lysa Arryn
Why he matters: His scheming led to the death of Eddard Stark and Ros. He brokers an alliance between the Tyrells and the Lannisters. He is a scheming bastard.

Mhaegen, mother of Barra
Status: Alive, in King’s Landing
Why she matters: She helps confirms Eddard Stark’s suspicions that Joffrey is not Robert’s heir.

Barra, bastard of Robert Baratheon
Status: Dead, killed by the Janos Slynt.
Why he matters: His hair is brown. All of Robert Baratheon’s bastards have brown hair. Joffrey is not his heir. Also Joffrey is a monster for ordering the deaths of babies. But we knew that already. Janos Slynt is a monster for killing babies.

Ros, prostitute
Status: Dead, murdered by Joffrey Baratheon
Why she matters: She was the star of numerous sexposition scenes for many of the notables around Westeros. She used that to her advantage to raise her rank in the world until she betrayed the trust of Petyr Baelish who gave her to Joffrey for target practice. Poor Ros.

Jaqen H’ghar, Faceless Man
Status: Dead! Now a new person.
Why he matters: As a reward for saving his life, he takes three lives for Arya Stark (although Arya manages to work a few more lives from him). He helps her escape from Harrenhall. He can change his face.

Varys, Master of Whisperers, the Spider
Status: Alive, in King’s Landing
Why he matters: He has a network of spies in Westeros and across the Narrow Sea. He often works at cross purposes with Petyr Baelish. He seems to be working to get Joffrey Lannister off the throne. Littlefinger wants to rise in the world, Varys cares about the kingdom (or so he claims, he is a spymaster after all, his motives may be more opaque).

Maester Pycelle, Maester of King’s Landing
Status: Alive
Why he matters: He’s not really independent. I should have put in under Lannisters. Even though he is a member of the Small Council he works closely with Cersei Lannister and is jailed by Tyrion for spying for her. He is released by Tywin Lannister and restored to his post.

Polliver, definitely should be under Lannisters
Status: Alive, last seen at Harrenhal
Why he matters: He kills Lommy Greenhands. He is a nasty piece of work who beats old women.

Locke, should be under House Stark, soldier for Roose Bolton
Status: Alive, last seen at Harrenhal
Why he matters: He chops off Jaime Lannister’s hand and throws Brienne in a bear pit.

Qyburn, former Maester
Status: Alive, in King’s Landing
Why he matters: He treats Jaime’s infected stump. He was kicked out of the Order of Maesters for his experiments. I’m sure that’s not going to ever come up again. You should forget about it.

Steelshanks, should be under House Stark, soldier for Roose Bolton
Status: Alive, at King’s Landing
Why he matters: He escorts Jaime Lannister back to King’s Landing.

I may have missed others, but honestly this is 24 pages long and I no longer care. This is the end. Thanks to Game of Thrones Wiki for making this possible.

[ed. note: You're a champion Dean. Thanks for all of the free content this week and congratulations on getting it done in time for tonight's HBO premiere of Season 4 of Game of Thrones. If this series of posts won't get you ready for it, nothing will. And I've had fun looking up House sigils all week--especially today when I had to find some "nonstandard" ones to fit these categories. I recommend you enjoy some of them as well by Googling "Game of Thrones sigils".]

No comments: