Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Part 5 of Dean's Ridiculously Long GoT Overview

credit:gameofthronescharacters.net
THE TYRELLS AND THEIR VASSELS

Lady Olenna Tyrell, Grandmother to Margaery and Loras Tyrell
Status: Alive, causing trouble at King’s Landing
Why she matters: She knows what’s up and is awesome. Don’t mess with the Queen of Thorns.

Margaery Tyrell, Queen
Status: Alive, trying to become queen
Why she matters: She’s smart, cunning, and come hell or high water she’s going to be queen if she has to marry every last man in Westeros. She’d probably marry Stannis if it came to it (Seeing her face off with Melisandre would be awesome).

Loras Tyrell, brother of Margaery Tyrell, grandson of Olenna Tyrell
Status: Alive, but sad
Why he matters: He was Renly Baratheon’s lover (which his sister was surprisingly OK with). Sansa Stark is hilariously in love with him.

Tyrell servant, servant
Status: Alive, but berated
Why he matters: Olenna yells at him a lot. He seems alright though. Olenna is awesome when she’s mean.

credit: hbo.com
THE GREYJOYS AND THEIR VASSELS

Theon Greyjoy, hostage of Eddard Stark, son of Balon Greyjoy
Status: Alive, but wishes he was dead.
Why he matters: Theon made a choice. He chose wrong and now he’s alone in the North being tortured by Ramsay Bolton. Because of Theon, Winterfell is in ruins and everyone thinks Brann and Rickon Stark are dead. Theon is a tool.

Balon Greyjoy, head of House Greyjoy
Status: Alive, at the Iron Isles
Why he matters: He’s one of the five kings in the War of the Five Kings. He’s a jerk to his son. The Iron Islands seem like an awful place to live.

Yara Greyjoy, sister of Theon Greyjoy, daughter of Balon Greyjoy
Status: Alive, on her way to the Dreadfort
Why she matters: She’s smarter and cooler than her brother. She knows how to make good decisions, but does not know how to convince her dumb brother that he is dumb.

Dagmer, raider
Status: Dead, flayed alive by Ramsay Snow
Why he matters: He sold out Theon Greyjoy to Ramsay Snow’s troops. That was a mistake. Also he’s played by Finchy from the British The Office

Lorren, raider
Status: Dead, flayed alive by Ramsay Snow
Why he matters: Theon Greyjoy brutally beats him. Then he gets flayed by Ramsay Snow. He probably deserved both.

Drennan, raider
Status: Dead, throat slit by Osha
Why he matters: He clubs Farlen. He allowed himself to be seduced by the wrong wildling.

Gelmar, raider
Status: Dead, flayed alive by Ramsay Snow
Why he matters: He probably was a huge jerk. All of the ironborn are jerks.

Wex, raider
Status: Dead, flayed alive by Ramsay Snow
Why he matters: He probably was a huge jerk. All of the ironborn are jerks.

Stygg, raider
Status: Dead, flayed alive by Ramsay Snow
Why he matters: He probably was a huge jerk. All of the ironborn are jerks.

Aggar, raider
Status: Dead, flayed alive by Ramsay Snow
Why he matters: He probably was a huge jerk. All of the ironborn are jerks.

credit: 3.bp.blogspot.com
THE DORNES AND THEIR VASSALS

We have not met any of the Dornes yet. This was the easiest House to write about.
[Ed. note: Hey Dean. Um . . . I'm sure that this is kind of getting into your brain at this point and you are probably not thinking very clearly. But the reason we haven't met any "Dornes" yet is because Dorne is a place. It's like if you were trying to say 'we haven't met any Winterfells yet.' Which we haven't because they would all be dead due to honor and extreme burns and such. What I think you MEANT to say is that we haven't met any Martells yet . . . because they are the leading house on the Dorne peninsula. Isn't that right? Or am I wrong as well? And if you might suspect that I put this here to help space out the "Dornes"and the next category . . . we'll you'd be right about that. And also, are you ever going to finish this thing? Season Four begins this Sunday you know.]

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THE BROTHERHOOD WITHOUT BANNERS

Berric Dondarion, renegade knight
Status: Alive, but has died 6 times.
Why he matters: He’s the only nobleman who seems to notice what the war is doing to those who aren’t a member of a noble line. He’s died quite a few times. Eddard Stark sent him to stop Gregor Clegane.

Thoros, Red Priest
Status: Alive, bringing people back to life
Why he matters: He can bring people back from the dead. Or rather, he can bring one person back from the dead. The Lord of Light seems legit. What have the old gods or the new gods done?

Anguy, Archer
Status: Alive, shooting some arrows
Why he matters: He’s really good at shooting arrows. Really good.

Hot Pie, maker of pies
Status: Alive, making pies
Why he matters: He befriended Arya and made her some bread in the shape of a wolf. Hot Pie is alright.

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