Thursday, April 27, 2006

I know that I haven't been very good about posting this past week, and for that I am sorry . . . I apologize to the six of you that get a hollow feeling in your stomach when I don't have anything pithy, topical, or stupid to contribute to the vast Internetted wasteland.

But, I have been taking a lot of pictures lately.

You can access many of my newest pictures by clicking on my Flickr badge, sitting conveniently on the sidebar to your right.

As you can see (once you view them) we've been taking advantage of nice weather and getting outside--either at local parks or in the backyard.

So maybe that's the reason I haven't been typing and posting on the computer; I've been enjoying Spring!

So, sue me!

WORST audioblog EVER!

this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Brief list of things I should be doing instead of writing this . . .

1. reading a book
2. washing the dishes
3. watching the taped episode of Scrubs that might get recorded over by tonight's Daily Show/Colbert Report taping
4. catching up on finances
5. refusing to link to the newest edition of The Authority Speaks (It's bad, ya'll!)
6. downloading pictures taken by the girls this weekend while we wandered around in the beautiful spring weather
7. listening to new podcasts
8. going to bed
9. thinking about tomorrow's work problems.
10. reading other posts that are MUCH better than this one

brief update

I've been sick the last few days and spent all of this past weekend enjoying beautiful weather outside.

So, that's why I haven't been posting--plus I haven't had lots to say lately anyway.

But this is to also explain why I am late on linking to my weekly resurrection of "The Authority Speaks."

I'll try to get up and and readable by the end of this evening.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Today--even dorkier than yesterday!

In a disturbing trend, WWYG?! is turning even dorkier.

I celebrate my dorkitude with the news that Alias is back on the air this evening!

(Click the picture for more information)

And, I reveal my growing obsession with more Harry Potter stuff:

(Click the picture for more information)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A glimpse of my dorktastic inner life

Readers of Why Won't You Grow?! probably think I'm insanely good looking, popular, fabulous in EVERY. . . SINGLE . . . WAY.

(And why wouldn't you? It's all in the writing and my inner beliefs about myself are sure to shine through over time.)

But it was not always thus . . .

I was, once, a massive dork . . . a geek you might say.

Here is some proof, via a rare email exchange between myself and my old hometown friend and former college roommate (but not the scary, psycho one)--G. He's a fellow blogger as well and an all around good egg. I don't keep in touch with him like I should, but I am always checking out his site, hoping for something new.

(I should hasten to point out that by including him in the general tone of this post, you might think I am describing him as a geek, but careful readers will see that he is being creative with a math problem and turned to the geekiest person he could think of to solve the particular problem he was attempting to solve. Naturally, he thought of me . . . which is my point--I'm a dork, but I'm loud and I'm proud.

(G's first email was:)

At some point this past week, I was putting problem on the board that had to do with triangulating the location of a fire. In part of the problem, I said (and wrote) that the two towers are 8 km apart (or whatever). So I immediately (in my head) themed this problem in Lord of the Rings.

I thought it would be fun to put such a problem on their next test. So, how much of your Tolkein world trivia do you remember? Any good details such as, well, how far apart the Two Towers are? Traveling distance between? Average land speed of a hobbit? Stuff I might conceivably use in an algebra/trig problem?


(To which I replied, later that evening:)

After consulting my atlas (Karen Wynn Fonstad, The Atlas of Middle Earth revised edition, 2nd printing, c. 1991), I can tell you that Gandalf and Pippen traveled from Isengard to Minas Tirith (on horse, in haste--so most likely a direct route) by traveling 500 miles (Atlas, p. 159).

But even that wouldn't be "as the eagle flies" since they were traveling on land and had to a just to the geography. A map which gives an overview of the different groups travel across the area (Atlas, p. 173) indicates that the absolute distance between Isengard and Barad Dur is 538 miles (+/- a couple miles, if I calculated the scale incorrectly). As to your questions on relative speed, Fonstad utilized the specific dates and chronology of Tolkien's books to discover how long it took different groups to travel different places .So, her calculations (Atlas, p. 156) indicate that:

1. walkers traveled at c. 2 to 2.5 mph. By comparison, when Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were chasing the Uruk-Hai to recover Merry and Pippin, their speed increased to c. 3 mph.

2. jogging ponies went at 3.4 mph; Rohan horses jogged at 6.7 mph; Dunedain horses galloped at 8.6 mph; Shadowfax galloped at a ridiculous 20 mph.

3. small boats drifting w/ current 2.8 mph; paddling 4.1 mph. Ships rowing against current 4.7 mph, sailing 7.2 mph. I hope this gives you what you need (and stuff you surely don't need).

(Confronted with such nerdy goodness, he said:)

Wow. Awesome. Thanks.

Now I'll ask an easy follow up. In all the travels of various sub-groups, which person(s), er, humanoids I guess, made the most *direct* trip between the two (with as few stops and deviations from the path as possible)? Whereabouts in the trilogy is this, and, very briefly, what's going on and what's the purpose of the trip. *These* people making the trip and the most immediate outcome. I just need details to make a good word problem, that's all.

Incidentally, I have found a map of Middle Earth and discovered the bearing from Isengard to Minis Tirith is S 58 degrees E. Won't my class have fun! Or at least I will. Now, for extra, super bonus points, find the "Foxtrot" strip where Jason calculates the area of a 10 by 20 field by using integral calculus.


(So this morning I responded with:)

Well, I left my atlas at home this morning, so I'll have to verify this later . . .

. . . but I think that the aforementioned trip of Pippin and Gandalf (via Shadowfax, I believe) from Isengard to Minas Tirith is the closest to a direct route. They went almost straight south from Isengard to the mountains forming the western border of Mordor and then headed southwest to reach Minas Tirith. But they weren't going to Barad Dur, were they?

Merry/Pippin/the Uruk Hai orcs wandered around a bit, as did Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli. They headed (more or less, I think?) east from the Breaking of the Fellowship point at Amon Hen to Fangorn.

So, maybe Sam and Frodo (and Gollum) took the most direct route to the border of Mordor. But from there, they wandered up and down the mountainous border from the Morannen Gate (at Mordor's northwest corner) to the entrance to Cirith Ungol and the Minas Morgal Tower.

Most of these travels occurred in The Two Towers.

I'll try to get more specific answers at home tonight.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Random Monday

Here's a picture of me Mum and Dad. Since we weren't there for Easter this year, they carried on the tradition of taking Easter photos by themselves. It's a good picture.


In other news, I've made some slight changes to WWYG's appearance. If you examine the sidebar column to your right, you might notice that I have broken up my list of websites into descriptive categories. That way, when you take my advice and look at the best sites I know of on the web, you can target your act of obedience and make an informed choice. You're welcome.

Also, you might notice a smallish orange button that says XML. This provides access to my XML/RSS site feed. If you don't know what this means, I'll endeavor to explain.

A website's RSS feeds is (I think) a stripped down version, no fancy formatting, no fonts, etc. People who do a lot of web-reading or habitually visit a group of sites (say mine) a RSS feed gives you quick access to new material.

Mac user's may use Safari's built in RSS reader. Mozilla Firefox users also have built in RSS readers to make the subscription to website feeds easy. If you don't have either of these web browsers you can use Google's reader or something else. Just search for "RSS reader" and see what you like.

You don't need to use RSS at all to enjoy my site, but it sometimes makes it easier to know when new material has been posted as soon as it occurs. If you really want to know what I think as I think it, you are now able to take advantage of this new functionality item.


And, since it's Monday, my newest resurrection of The Authority Speaks is up and running on Why Won't You Write?!.

Have a great day!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

He is Balanced! The Lord is Balanced indeed!

The Easter phrase "He is Risen! The Lord is Risen Indeed!" got a new twist this past Friday at work.

Normally, we are given the opportunity (permission) to leave the building at 2ish on the Friday before holiday weekends. We have all been trained to expect it and whenever the intercom comes on around 10ish on those days, everyone stops talking and trains an expectant ear towards the ceiling.

For Independence Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the stated reason is always relating to the holiday itself. But what to do with Easter--a religious holiday that doesn't have the cultural dominance of Christmas to make it acceptable to everyone? How do you let people go home early without offense? (And it is so easy to offend these days.)

It is Easter's very essential Christian nature that makes it a difficult holiday to recognize in a secular situation.

Well, I couldn't remember being given early release for previous Easter weekends, so I didn't think much of it. I wondered if we would get out early, wondered what the justification might be, but didn't expect to be given the opportunity.

But then, the intercom "cleared it's throat." It was approximately 10ish. All of those around me cocked an ear, raised an eyebrow, got a wondering expression on their faces.

The announcement was given! We could go home at 2! But would their be riots? Would our Jewish coworkers, our agnostic colleagues, the numerous Hindi employees hired in the last year be offended?


"Because of the hard-working departmental efforts to balance the current corporate budget, employees will be allowed to leave the building at 2 pm today. All packages and outgoing mail must be down in the mailroom by 1:30."

Hurray! (While laughing out loud . . ) Balanced budgets! (Shaking head in disbelief . . .) What will they think of next year?

Hmm . . .

"Due to the division's ability to generate projected revenue while operating at last year's toner budget allowance, employees are allowed to leave at 2 pm."

"Thanks to employees commitment to climb the stairs rather than expend electricity on unnecessary elevator usage, the building will be closed at 2 pm."

"In recognition of the past year's exceptional effort to recycle, employees with hybrid cars may leave at noon. All employees utilizing internal combustion engines are allowed to leave at 2pm."

Keep those corporate miracles coming everybody. Your weekend salvation depends upon it.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Holey Week

It's Holy Week and Easter approaches.

One of the reasons that I know it's Easter (other than the obvious reminders at church and by simply looking at a calendar) is that the dogwood trees on Nicole Drive and up and down College Avenue are in full bloom. I love dogwood trees because my childhood home in Georgia had four dogwood trees that were planted right alongside the curb of our front yard that was the dead end of Woodruff Street.

Every spring the dogwoods would bloom, the great big azalea bush would bloom and the family would dress in our Easter finery to have family pictures taken in the front yard.

Did I also mention that every portion of our neighborhood has dogwoods EXCEPT for the small quadrant of homes that I live in? I guess that when my segment of Nicole Drive was built, the dogwoods weren't on sale or someone had an allergy. Anyway, driving through the neighborhood this time of year is like a nostalgia trip and a constant source of taunting at the same time.

It's a bit confusing on the emotions.

So, anyway, it's Holy Week, but it's also Holey Week--as in there have been great gaps in my week's continuity. The reason? Kids, sickness, and single parenting.

Grace has some sort of 24-hour stomach thing last weekend, which ensured that Sarah would get it on Monday which meant that I would get it on Tuesday . . . with all of the fun body fluid hijinks that you would expect. Luckily, it was the 24-hour kind of problem.

Except that Grace isn't entirely over it and since Lynda has been in Texas on business since Tuesday . . . well, let's just say that I haven't been at the office much this week and it hasn't been the most productive work week of my entire life.

It's frustrating since I can feel that my work project is beginning to loom more and more. It hasn't been supremely taxing YET, but it will become so and I am trying to have all of my little pieces ready and in line before the really awful time starts . . . but I can't do much until other people get their work done in front of me and that is going extremely slowly for so many reasons that time (and legal compliance) demands that I just don't try to get into it.

So, I worry.

What else is new?

I worry that when the summer comes and the vacation plans we are setting are going to bother me, as that is probably when all the real work will begin. I worry that I won't have fun on vacation because I'll think I should postpone stuff because my work schedules have gotten tighter and the dates can't change. I worry that it's been FAR too long since I've been home to visit family and I've got to make the time. I worry because Lynda worked so hard last year and we all had to adjust to suit her schedule. I worry that it'll never end and I've got to ignore the work pressure and find time for family fun.

I worry.

Monday, April 10, 2006

New "The Authority Speaks"

Here is another in my continuing series of sports articles that I wrote while a callow college undergraduate.

In the latest "The Authority Speaks" watch as I spread athletic propaganda in the best South Georgia jingoistic style.

Please enjoy while I silently cringe in shame.

AAAArgh . . . kids!

I love my kids and in many ways I also live for my kids.

But they can work my last nerve.

Sarah threw up at school this morning, but she didn't have a fever. (I'm not entirely surprised by this, since Grace threw up Saturday night. We were almost expecting this.)

So, I got all my deadlines for today wrapped up and left work early at 2 pm to pick her up and let her rest at home. I thought she would feel happy that I came to get her early.

Rule #1: never try to predict the emotional state of a five-year-old girl.

She was happy to see me, but things went downhill a bit when we got home.

Since it was already the afternoon, I got Grace as well. When we got home I have Grace her afternoon snack but Sarah wanted the same thing.

[PARENTAL ASIDE--when you have a child with a sensitive stomach/potential stomach "thing" accepted practice now is to limit the child to the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, (dry) Toast) to prevent the upset stomach from working hard to digest.]

So, I limited Sarah's snack to a small bit of applesauce, dry toast, and water. She was upset that Grace's snack was so much more fabulous.

[NOTE--when Grace was recovering on Sunday, we did EXACTLY the same thing. Grace complained while Sarah ate cheese, drank milk, etc. Do you think Sarah remembers/cares about this fact while she is the one affected?]

Sarah's weepy attitude during the episode further confirms a suspicion that I sometime have that she exaggerates her symptoms to get out of school early/stay home/be pampered. I don't suggest that she faked throwing up (cause I know she didn't) but I do think she thinks of being sick as some sort of holiday and doesn't understand the reality of the cause and effect relationship that kicks in here.

And YES, I do know that she is only 5-years-old (going on 6), but she demonstrates her maturity as other points. Are we supposed to have selective expectations?

So, for all you childless singletons . . . reason #15874 that you don't want to have kids.

(And yet, I still love/live for them.)

(Sorry . . . I felt I had to put that back in there.)

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Sarah's newest book

Along with Sarah's isolated Young Rembrandt artwork, she also recently built, wrote, and illustrated her own book. I think you will recognize the story she has reproduced here, but I think she did a great job.

Lynda helped put the booklet of blank pages together (it's folded and gathered just like a real book) but Sarah wrote all the words and drew all of the pictures. While there are some mis-spelling of words here and there, Sarah did an admirable job. She sounded out everything phonetically (as kindergarten kids learning to read sometimes do). While I think you could figure out the story without it, I translate the story text at the bottom of each page.

Here is the title page, which needs no further explanation. But I want to point out to anyone who is familiar with the Disney version of the story (upon which Sarah based her story) that she has faithfully captured the picture of a scullery maid scrubbing the floors while soap bubbles float around her.

Here's the first two pages of the story. Once upon a time there was a Cinderella that was an old maid. (I think she is giving a incorrect impression that Cinderella was a spinster here, but you can see how she made the mistake, right?)

While it took two pages to get it right, the story continues: But she did not do all these by herself.(You can see that Cinderella has animal friends that helped her get the large amounts of work done.)

But that is not all; oh, and my fairy godmother too. (The animals made her a dress along with helping her do all the chores. And her fairy godmother helped out as well.)

My step-sisters. They tore my dress up! But my fairy godmother is here to the rescue. (You can see the pumpkin coach in the background and three mice trying to escape the fairy godmother as she is about to turn them into horses.)

And they went to the castle. When she got into the kingdom, she got to dance to the prince.

And it was the strike (?) of twelve. She ran as fast as she could. And she left her slipper behind her.

When she got back, she went to bed. The prince was looking for the girl that would fit the slipper.

But her stepmother had locked her in her room. Then her mouse friends got her out.

And she got down in no time at all. And she got married and they lived happily ever after. The end.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


Sarah completed her final Young Rembrandt art class this past Thursday. I think it was a successful endeavor because it gave her a structured method in which to explore some of her art skills and it gave me a great resource of blog ideas.

I hope she'll be willing and interested in enrolling in the later classes as she gets older. I think she will get better as time goes on.

But, in celebration of her hard work, here are her final art pieces. As usual, she never completely finishes coloring them, but I think you can see what is what.

Here is a nice, dynamic picture of a soccer player dribbling the ball down the field.

This, naturally, is a picture of a safe cracker breaking into a bank vault. No, not really. It's a chameleon sitting on a branch.

This is a set of billiard balls, all racked and ready. The cue stick is laying across the corner of the table.

I dearly wish Sarah had been able to finish this one and color it. It is actually based on an actual French painter whose name I don't remember. But I think you can see the basic structure of the image. A man and woman walk on a sidewalk alongside a cobbled street. In the background is a suspension bridge.
What I like as much as anything about this image is the shape of the woman's body-the silhouette of the dress and the style of the dress really evoke the era of the original painting.

Thanks Young Rembrandt! I think you really helped Sarah improve her style. Now I just have to get her to see that art doesn't have to be confined to a classroom and anything is suitable for reproduction at any time.

All it takes is inspiration.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Rotten Apple

I spent about two-and-a-half hours on the phone today with the semi-good people at Apple Computers, Inc. tonight trying to fix my sick iPod that has been under the weather since Tuesday morning.

In reality, I sort of blame the Flaming Lips. You see, Tuesday morning was when their newest album "At War with the Mystics" became available on iTunes. Since I really liked the previous album "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" (thanks for initially turning me onto it, Flipper!) I thought I would buy this one as well. In fact, I pre-ordered it more than a week ago; it just wasn't available for download until Tuesday.

So, that morning, I checked my iTunes account while getting my breakfast cereal. Sure enough, it was ready and I downloaded it. Anticipating the pleasures of listening to a new album at work that day, I hooked up my iPod (named PRPL 33, by the way) up to synch the iTunes Library to ole' PRPL. But . . . something went wrong. It started synching fine, but then somewhere halfway through, it stopped and gave me an error message, indicating something about not recognizing the disk.

I ejected the iPod and tried again. This time, it got worse . . . not even realizing that the iPod was attached and bringing up all new strange error messages about unrecognized disk drives, asking me to initialize the disk or eject, who know what manner of problems.

So, I slunk off to work hoping that maybe the computer was temporarily freaked out and would be better by the afternoon. It didn't turn out to be any better that afternoon, nor this morning.

In fact, I thought that I had wiped the memory this morning, since PRPL wasn't showing any songs. So, while at work I reset the iPod and let it charge for several hours. When I checked on it after lunch, everything seemed back to normal--at least my library (minus the new Flaming Lips--which was still residing on the computer at home). But . . . I remained hopeful.

When I got home, I plugged PRPL back in and crossed my fingers. Sure enough, things looked okay. The new albums started synching . . . aaaaand then, it stopped. The error messages were back.

I called customer support and after swallowing the fact that since I hadn't purchased an Apple Care protection plan, I was going to have to either purchase a plan for the remainder of my first year's purchase (till June) or pay a fee for this call . . . I chose the single call price. It was cheaper.

I got underway explaining my dilemma to CSR #1 (note the presence of a numeral here; I believe that is called FORESHADOWING) and he got me started in an attempt to synch the iPod again, eventually resulting in the computer telling me that the disk wasn't recognized and asking if I wanted to initialize the disk. We were underway with that procedure when he put me on hold (to go to the bathroom? to consult an arcane manual? to get coffee?). {PLEASE NOTE HERE THAT THIS GUY HAD BEEN FAIRLY HELPFUL, IF NOT COMING OFF AS COMPLETELY KNOWLEDGEABLE AND ON TOP OF THE PROBLEM.} But I was confident . . . mostly and this call had only taken up maybe twenty minutes of my evening to this point (FORESHADOWING!!). Lynda was busy getting the kid's supper underway and was generally being a real mensch about me being trapped like this. But ANYWAY . . . on hold.

Then, disconnected!

I was forced to call back, navigate back into the phone tree and hope to hell that I could somehow get to the same CSR again. We all now know enough about job outsourcing and tech support help based on the Indian subcontinent to know that was a faint hope. So, I had to re-explain my problem to CSR #2 (MORE FORESHADOWING? You be the judge!) and explain that I had been preparing to initialize my iPod disk (I think) when I was put on hold and then lost the call.

Well, #2 wasn't interested in doing this procedure, even though the windows to do it were still awaiting instruction and input on my screen. She wanted to delete iTunes and reinstall the whole program. {NOTE, THIS GIRL SEEMED A BIT LESS ON THE BALL THAN #1, COMPOUNDED BY THE FACT THAT SHE WAS SUFFERING FROM LARYNGYTIS. SHE WAS HARD TO HEAR ABOVE THE NOISE OF DINNER-MAKING OVER RIGHT SHOULDER AND INCREASINGLY HUNGRY/RESTLESS KIDS OVER LEFT SHOULDER.} But, I trusted her and dutifully Trashed my existing iTunes program and set about downloading a new program from the Apple website.

After a few minutes of download time I tried to launch the installer, finally got it going and found that the installer wouldn't/couldn't install anything! So, I tried again (#2 told me to try again, I should say). The downloading went slower and the SAME problem occurred. #2 then told me to find my original iTunes program disk that came with the computer and reinstall from that. After about three minutes of frustrated digging around my office desk, I found the correct disk and got THAT installation underway. And . . . it didn't work either.

By now I am really frustrated. Call #2 has gone to just about the 50 minute mark, following the aborted 30 minutes of call #1. And keep in mind that when call #2 began, I explained that I had only purchased the "rights" to call #1. I couldn't let this emergency/disconnected re-call end without resolution, since I didn't want to purchase another tech call. Even further, I could tell that CSR #2 was growing a bit flustered and wasn't really sure why the installation wasn't working. She probably thought I was incompetent and doing something wrong. My temper was rising (as was my voice). Lynda was finishing the dinner prep and the girls were rattling around close by.

She puts me on hold . . .

. . . for . . . maybe . . . twenty? . . . no, thirty . . . minutes?

No WAY am I giving up now. I held that phone to my ear and ate my dinner. I passed the phone off to Lynda and stood up and stretched. I cleaned the dirty dishes and loaded the dishwasher. Lynda held on. The girls got dessert. We held on.

Did she intentionally ditch us? To induce the costly call back?

We didn't care, but we were clearly stalemated. So, while Lynda held on with the land line, I started the process again with the cell phone. I let Lynda handle the explanation while I distracted Grace with a movie. When I got back to the situation, Lynda was talking to CSR #3 (!!) who informed us that CSR#2 had lost the connection (but why hadn't the land line signaled a lost connection?) and then probably given up trying to call us back. CSR #3 said that they had tried (was he working in the same location as #2?).

Anyway, I relocated the laptop, the iPod and the cell phone to another room to get away from noise and focus, plugged the cell into an outlet to prevent losing battery, turned the speaker phone on and got ready.

CSR #3 was very competent, direct, clear, business-like. He led me through several things, some of which had already been tried, but some which had not.

In the end, he ran out of tricks and we all decided that the iPod needed to be shipped to someone for repair/possible replacement. #3 sent an email to get that process underway and maybe by this weekend, I mail PRPL 33 off to California (or wherever) to go under the knife.

I am hopeful that solutions can be found (and its still under warranty, thank God). But I'm gonna feel naked at work for a while.

Monday, April 03, 2006

My Old House

Here are various photos from our recent weekend of further home repair. Because Lynda can't sit still, she has decided, much to the delight of Shirtless Wonder, to tackle the guest bathroom walls next. Gone is the wide green and white striped wall paper. But what did we find underneath? Well, it was this:

In case you can't appreciate what that wall looks like, I tried to take a closeup of the wall here:

It has a dirty pink color quality to it. I don't like it.

Lynda also found a strange graphic image on the wall behind where the bath vanity light was mounted. It looks strangely like some sort of advertisement, but it looks a bit like something from another era . . . maybe that is because there is some sort of banjo image visible in the mid-center of the photo. If anyone recognizes where this is from, let me know.

You can see the words CLAM BAK & CHO SOC. I choose to believe that this is accurately translated, CLAM BAKE & CHOCOLATE SOCIAL. Why, don't know.

The image of the circular banjo resonator body can be seen to the left of the central wiring.

I am also including pictures of my inept handiwork over the past two days. The first image is of the dastardly screws that I inexpertly placed in the wall to hold up the mounting bracket for a master bath towel hook. You can't really see it here, but the screws aren't tightly flush with the wall and the bracket isn't ready to support any sort of hook.

The other photo is for the sink cabinet doors in the newly painted master bath. Lynda painted the cabinet a slate green color to coordinate with the blue color on the walls. It was my job to remount the cabinet fronts to the box and reattach the door pulls, etc. Naturally, the VERY FIRST THING that I accomplished last night was to scrape the new paint underneath the door pull and leave a mark. So, there you go everyone.
I suck.
Don't ask me to do anything handy in your house.

For more evidence of stuff I can't do very well, please visit the latest edition of my old college sports article The Authority Speaks.