Friday, November 04, 2011

NaBloWriMo #4: Why the Funny Laugh?

Going to middle school isn't fun, let me tell you. But if you're older than me, you already know this. When you are in middle school, you old enough to know what you want, but never old enough to get what you want, you know? The number of times that I saw the older kids at the high school across get in their cars with their girl friends, to get a pizza before the football game . . . well, that was only one thing that I wanted.

But that isn't what this is about.

Like I said, I'm old enough to want things, but not old enough to understand why or even sometimes how. And so, I've been trying to figure out what all this means to me. Because, as far as I can tell, middle school is when you're supposed to figure out who you are and then as you get older, you get on with the business of being that person that you have figured out you should be. Right? And so, if I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am and stuff like that, then why am I always changing that definition of myself?

Here's the latest example to help you understand what I'm trying to get at.

I find myself mimicking my friends when I talk. And I don't know why that is. Shouldn't I just talk like me and be done with it? I mean, getting the words out in the right order is hard enough some days--especially if you're trying to talk to a girl. But why mess that up even more by consciously (unconsciously?) adding a layer of someone else's personality on top of that? Am I that dissatisfied with who I am (or who I might possibly be able to be?) that I have to abandon all of that and start mimicking someone ELSE?

Do you get what I'm trying to say?

Here, let me explain a bit more. A while ago, a new guy came to school and he sits in my science class next to me. He's a nice guy and we became friendly pretty quickly. We have a few decent conversations every day, talking about what was on TV the night before, what movies we might want to see that are coming up in the theater, what bands we've been downloading lately, what games we're playing . . . stuff like that, you know? So, what I'm saying is that we've become friends. And, among middle school boys that is worth noting.

But what is got me worried is that I am noticing that I copy the way he says things. Why do that? For example, when he is responding sarcastically to something that I said, he adds a particular laugh at the beginning of what he's about to say. It's like he's giving me warning that "Here comes something funny!" And that is okay, because, well, sometimes we need to make things clear.

So, but the problem is, I'M now doing that to. I'm making the "Here comes something funny!" laugh before I say funny things. And it's kind of freaking me out. Why did I pick this up? Am I so insecure that I've got to reinforce our friendship with mimicry?

But if I try to stop it . . . then things are going to be even more awkward, you know? And middle school just doesn't need more awkward. 

It's keeping me up at night.

* Author's Note: This is NOT a picture of me in Middle School. (Not that there's anything wrong with this kid. I'm just saying . . .)

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