1. I didn't write this. My friend and colleague Dean--@Hapless23 on Twitter--wrote it--as he has done in previous years. So, if you have beef--take it up with him. And
2. The TV landscape is different now that when I started writing Fall TV Preview posts back in 2004. Now instead of one big monolithic season, there are, as Dean recognizes here and as Entertainment Weekly also recognizes in its current issue, a second or even a third season after the big launch in September.
But enough from me. Go for it Dean.
***
Welcome to another round of TV previews, where I try to cajole you to watch
my favorite shows (on cable; broadcast television is, as always, David’s
domain), and wherein we hope that some new shows make good. (All times Eastern,
because it’s God’s time.) Also I added quotes. Maybe they’re from the show.
Maybe they’re vaguely related somehow. Maybe I don’t know enough about the show
so I put in a line at random. So without further ado, here are shows you could
watch for each day of the week:
Sunday:
Game of Thrones, HBO TBD
Winter is coming.
Did you enjoy Lord of the Rings? Well this is not that kind
of fantasy. This is HBO fantasy. You know that character you like? He died
while you were reading this. There was probably a naked woman there too. This
show contains ADULT THEMES. Oh, and the books are great. You should totally
read the books.
Sample plot summary: Jon
finds himself in a perilous situation. Tyrion says something that gets him in
trouble. Joffrey kills a baby.
Girls, HBO 9:00
I don’t want to freak
you out, but I think I might be the voice of my generation.
This show got tons of critical praise, and then there was a
great big backlash against it. I think a lot of the backlash was misplaced and
unfair. This is a really good show that nicely subverted my expectations quite
a few times. It won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but you should give it a whirl.
Sample plot summary: Hannah
must find a job. Marnie is annoying again. Adam does something unexpected.
Venture Brothers,
Cartoon Network TBD
Go Team Venture!
This show is nominally about the two teenage sons of a
former boy adventurer, turned super scientist. What this show is really about
is disappointment and failure. It’s also really, really funny.
Sample plot summary: Dean
and Hank go on a double date. The Monarch must choose between killing Doctor
Venture or saving his relationship with Doctor Girlfriend.
Adventure Time, Cartoon Network 7:30
Making pancakes,
making bacon pancakes…
Set in the magical land of Ooo (which may or may not be
Earth after a terrible event destroyed life as we know it), Finn, the only
known human, and his magical dog Jake go on adventures and maybe learn
something about what it means to grow up and also it’s hilarious.
Sample plot summary: Finn
must retrieve a Frisbee from a tree. Jake makes pancakes.
Continuum, Syfy 8:00
"Not exactly," said the Medical Man. "There are
balloons."
Do you like Syfy original series? Interested in time travel?
If so you’ll probably be giving this a shot, right? Do you hate that Syfy
spells its name like this now? I do too.
Sample plot summary: What
do you want from me? I can’t travel
through time to watch this show to give you a synopsis.
Being Human, Syfy 9:00
I quite fancy
Hufflepuff, actually. I've always thought, in Hufflepuff they always spend the
day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter. [I'll admit (to my chagrin) that I don't know where this quote is from. But it seems like I should know. I'm fairly certain that is isn't from Being Human, based on what you say below. --ed.]
A ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf all live together in a
house. AKA: easiest show to green-light ever.
Sample plot summary: Ok,
this was a bad idea to do this bit. I haven’t seen this show, so maybe the
werewolf and the ghost date and then the vampire gets all sulky about it? That
sounds like something that could happen.
Tuesday:
Justified, FX 10:00
But you see, ten days
ago you shot a man in Miami .
Put it like this: you were in the first grade; bit a kid every week? They'd
start to think of you as a biter.
This is by far the show I’m most excited to have back. The
dialogue is witty. The characters are complex. The acting is fantastic. Give
this show a try and then come back and thank me later. [I'll never watch and you can't make me . . . I guess? --ed.]
Sample plot summary: Raylan
is under investigation for shooting a criminal. Boyd makes a conversion, but is
it sincere? Art is grumpy.
A blog is like a diary
but you want everybody to read it, like if you get bad service at a restaurant
you blog it and then you get a free meal at that restaurant but then you wonder
did they just lure me back here so they could just spit in my food so then you
blog that and then they take you to court.
Look, I know the name is bad. But you liked Scrubs right?
This show is made by the same guy that made Scrubs. It’s just as funny, the
cast has great chemistry, and you are really missing out if you’re not watching
it (Which you probably aren’t, because it’s on TBS now because you weren’t
watching it in the first place). Just give it a chance and you will not be
disappointed, I promise you that. (Also I’m sad this bumps up against
Justified, because this is my 2nd most anticipated return).
Sample plot summary: Jules
and everyone else drinks wine. Travis doesn’t because he is too young.
The Americans, FX 10:00
But it was all right,
everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory
over himself. He loved Big Brother.
Keri Russell and some guy I’ve never heard of are Russian spies
living in America
in the 1980s. Remember when that attractive redheaded woman was caught spying
on the U.S.
a few years ago? She was sending them back newspapers and other readily
available information. Russian spy quality has really gone downhill these days.
Sample plot summary: Keri
Russell gets a hold of classified information, but has second thoughts about
sending it back. Her neighbor gets suspicions. (Again, this is a new show, so
what do you expect from me?)
Archer, FX 10:00
That’s how you get
ants.
Half the cast of Arrested Development is in this show and so
is H. Jon Benjamin. Watch it. [You wouldn't believe me the amount of time that Dean devotes to praising H. Jon Benjamin at the work lunch table. Make the dude famous so Dean can relax already. --ed.]
Sample plot summary: Archer
accidently ruins a big mission and Lana must find a way to fix it. Pam and
Kruger get involved with Hobo fighting. [I think you mean bum fights, right?--ed.]
Legit, FX 10:30
Do you come from a
land down under? Where women glow and men plunder? Can’t you hear, can’t you
hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover. [I would have gone with Safety Dance. But I'm older than you are. --ed.]
So FX is just transplanting Australian comics into America now.
First that Australian who plays Wilfred with the rage issues, and now they’ve
brought in this other bloke to try to take jobs that should go to God-fearing
American comics.
Sample plot summary: Yes,
plot summaries were a mistake. I see that now.
Friday:
Portlandia, IFC 10:00
The dream of the 90s
is alive in Portland .
A hit or miss sketch comedy about the city of Portland , Oregon ,
a magical land that the 90s never left. Even when the sketches miss (which is
awesome) it’s a good hang out show. [I thought you could only watch this show if you were a hipster. --ed.]
Sample plot summary: A
sketch is done about putting birds on things. The Mayor of Portland needs a
favor.
Banshee, Cinemax 10:00
What we've got here
is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we
had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't
like it any more than you men.
This show is on a Friday and is on Cinemax. I just included
it so now I don’t have to leave Friday blank. Sorry Cinemax, this is the amount
of effort I put into your shows. I did hear Strike Back was good though.
Sample plot summary: Adult
situations happen. Cinemax!
There’s never anything on Saturday. Hug your children, or if
you don’t have children, live your life to the fullest in case you ever do have
children and you can’t live life to the fullest anymore. [Whoa. Sounds like you might need to undergo some therapy about child-rearing. But . . . I'm not gonna judge because I've got more kids than you and I completely know where you're coming from. --ed.]
SOMETIME:
Arrested Development,
Netflix
Bees?
6 seasons and a movie!
Sample plot summary: Michael
feels compelled to rescue his family from a problem. Tobias says something that
could be misinterpreted. [And THAT'S why you always leave a note. --ed.]
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