Monday, August 29, 2016

Dean's Fall Cable-ish TV Preview

Here is my annual--and much awaited--Fall Cable Preview. I don’t have premium channels so if you want to know about the hot new HBO, Showtime, or Cinemax shows you are SOL. Also I don’t have Hulu so I can’t/won’t tell you about those shows. I also don’t know what Freeform is and I refuse to acknowledge it.

[Hold up, Dean . . . I'VE got premium channels. Maybe I should be the one talking about these sort of shows. but that runs counter to what we've been doing the past several years. And I don't watch NEARLY as much esoteric stuff as you do.--David]

Tuesday, Aug. 23

"Halt and Catch Fire," (9 p.m., AMC returning)
Have you finished season two yet David? Because SEASON THREE HAS ALREADY STARTED! I will not be watching this because I don’t need to see Lee Pace mope around whining about how no one likes him because he’s a psycho.

[I have a tortured relationship with this series. I tried and gave up on season 1. Then critics told me season 2 was MUCH BETTER. So, I dutifully recorded every episode. And then I could only make it through two of them. I'm good at Halting, but nothing is Catching Fire.]

"Better Late Than Never," (10 p.m., NBC new!)
This show has everything you could want in a show: Terry Bradshaw! The Fonz! William Shatner! George Foreman! Jeff Dye! I’ll be honest, I don’t know who Jeff Dye is. What is he doing in this group of names. This show will probably be bad because it’s an NBC comedy and NBC has forgotten how to make comedies. Also this isn’t cable but David has shown no inclination to start his Fall broadcast guide so I’ll step on his turf all I want (I’ll leave the returning shows to him though…mostly).

[You are brazenly stepping all over my TV previewing corner! A corner that I have staked out for more than a decade. How dare you . . . think that even if I HAD started my previews I'd waste any typing time at all discussing such a terrible idea for a show.]

Wednesday, Aug. 24

"Gomorrah," (10 p.m., Sundance new to us! Reruns if you’re Italian)
I watch all the subtitled shows I can because I’m a pretentious jerk. This is about the Italian mob and is based on that book everyone liked, so it’s probably good.

[I'm out on most subtitles not featuring Klingon.]

Wednesday, Aug. 31

"You're the Worst," (10 p.m., FX returning)
You say you’re looking for a comedy that takes depression seriously while still being hilarious? That is an awfully specific request but here it is, the show for you!

[A returning show I'm genuinely excited for.]

Tuesday, Sept. 6

"Atlanta," (10 p.m., FX new series)
Here are some things I know about this show: It stars Donald Glover. FX has a very strong record of greenlighting TV shows. It’s about rap in Atlanta. You should watch it because Donald Glover is good.

[A new show I'm genuinely excited for. (Is it possible that Donald Glover might be bitten by a radioactive spider in this show? Pleeease?)]

Thursday, Sept. 8

"Better Things," (10 p.m., FX new!)
If this is the female "Louie" that it appears to be, I will like this for two seasons until I tire of its increasingly serious attitude and then bail when I realize I’m no longer enjoying it anymore.

Friday, Sept. 9

“One Mississippi,” (Amazon Prime new!)
This stars Tig Notaro and Casey Wilson and the trailer gives off a real "Baskets" vibe. This is a good thing. "Baskets" is great--which you would know if you people ever listened to me.

[I make it a practice to NOT listen to you for about two full seasons, then secretly start watching the show you previously recommended--and then blame you for NOT telling me to watch it sooner. It worked really well with "Silicon Valley", and I look forward to it working well for "Baskets" in 2018.]

Wednesday, Sept. 14

"American Horror Story," (10 p.m., FX returning)
This still exists. I am still not watching it.

Friday, Sept. 16

“Fleabag,” (Amazon Prime new!)
This show is a comedy, and it has Olivia Colman in it in some capacity. I neglected to learn more about this show because Olivia Colman should be enough for anyone.

[First problem: I don't have Amazon Prime. Second Problem, I don't know who Olivia Colman is--which could easily be solved . . . but Third Problem, you have made no compellng argument to make he search out more information.]

Monday, Sept. 19

"Gotham," 8 p.m., (FOX returning)
Hahahaha, no.

[You say no, but I still--begrudgingly say . . . I guess so?]

"Kevin Can Wait," (8:30 p.m. CBS new!)
This is David’s turf again but I will watch an episode of this just to tell everyone how (presumably) bad it is. The sacrifices I make for you people.

[Unless a Mall Cop is involved, then I'll definitely steer clear. Oh . . . wait, I don't care about Mall Cops either. Please feel free to keep wasting your precious preview real estate on new shows that are absolute duds. That frees me up to write compelling prose about something else.]

"The Good Place," (10 p.m., NBC new!)
I like Kristen Bell and Ted Danson and Mike Schur. I will watch this. I will continue intruding on David’s turf because there really aren’t that many cable shows in the Fall. It’s kind of a wasteland, but the broadcast networks are really killing it you guys.

[Based on some of the other examples you've provided so far in the broadcast network arena, I think you're definition of "killing it" is different from mine. I DO like Kristen Bell, though]

Thursday, Sept. 22

"Pitch," 9 p.m., FOX new series)
The previews for this were well done and it’s by Dan Fogelman--who has already created two great TV shows ("Galavant" and "The Neighbors"), my son’s favorite film (Cars) and my daughter’s favorite film (Tangled). I am predisposed to like this show.

[I am DEFINITELY more on board with your children's taste in recommendations that that dreck you typed up there. "Galavant?" "The Neighbors?" Wow.]

Tuesday, Sept. 27

"Drunk History," (10:30 p.m., Comedy Central returning)
Can’t wait to tell my buddies back at the office about the Hamilton episode told by Lin Manuel-Miranda.

[I imagine that, if "Drunk History" is still on the air thirty years from now, there will be an episode detailing the phenomenon of Miranda's Hamilton play, as performed by Luis Guzman.]

Friday, Sept. 30

"Luke Cage," (Netflix new series)
I hope I don’t have to hear about his dead wife every 30 seconds. Ugh she’s dead we get it. Get over it.

[Jessica Jones > Daredevil, season 1 > Luke Cage (hopefully?) > Daredevil, season 2]

“Crisis in Six Scenes,” (Amazon Prime new series)
This show is by Woody Allen so I have already lost interest. Maybe at this point you are protesting that Woody Allen is great, but now I must point out that this show also stars Miley Cyrus so don’t you feel silly for defending it? Woody Allen is bad.

Monday, Oct. 3

"Timeless," (10 p.m., NBC new series)
It’s a new Shawn Ryan show so I’m going to spend most of it wishing it was "Terriers." Can we bring back "Terriers"? I’m sure this will be fine. I’ll never truly love network dramas because there are too many episodes to do a coherent story arc. 12 episodes is the perfect amount of time to tell a three act story on TV. Asking writers to do more than that is too much to ask.

Friday, Oct. 14

"Haters Back Off," (Netflix new!)
*Googles this show. Immediately closes tab*

[Is now afraid to look.]

Friday, Oct 21

“Black Mirror,” (Netflix returning)
This is a modern day "Twilight Zone." Your reaction to that sentence tells you everything you need to know about whether you want to watch it or not.

Saturday, Oct. 22

"Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency," (8 p.m., BBC America new!)
It’s a show based on Douglas Adams’ lesser known and loved series of books. I am in favor of more Douglas Adams in my life. The show is run by Max Landis, whom people seem to hate but I have no experience with. Therefore, I have no opinion on him.

[Dean, how can I take your review seriously, when you didn't even know until TODAY that our "Wilfred" fave Elijah Wood is PROMINENTLY a part of this show?]

Wednesday, Oct 26

“Rectify,” (10 p.m. Sundance  returning)
None of you will watch this--even though I’ve said ad nauseam that it is one of the best shows on televison You don’t deserve to have good TV. Enjoy your Kevin James, America!

[Hey Dean, remember what I said up there about "Baskets"? Well, this is the exception that proves that rule. I'll NEVER watch "Rectify". You can count on that.]

Thursday, Oct. 27

"The Great Indoors," (8:30 p.m., CBS new!)
I am watching this because whiny millennial TV critics were whining about being portrayed as whiny, and I find that hilarious. (Note: Depending on how you count, I am a millennial.)

Friday, Nov. 5

"The Crown," (Netflix new!)
Queen Elizabeth, as with all monarchs, should either abdicate or be hanged. I am not interested in her life or this show.

Monday, Nov. 21

"Search Party," (11 p.m., TBS new!)
This is partly created by Michael Showalter and stars Alia Shawkat so that’s all you need to know--which is good because that is all I know about it.

[It is enough to get me intrigued.]

Friday, Nov. 25

"Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life," (Netflix returning)
I’ll have to find somewhere to lay low when this comes out. Is there a support group for husbands of "Gilmore Girls" fans, so we can meet up while this gets repeatedly streamed in our homes?  Oh no! November 25th is Thanksgiving weekend isn’t it? I’ll be surrounded by people who love "Gilmore Girls." Someone send help.

[I recommend you eat and much turkey as possible, drink as much wine as you can, and fall unconscious for as long as you can get away with.]

And once these air, we get Spring TV which should be really good.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Over 13 Years of Obviousness and Nonsense

Yesterday marked another anniversary of my first blog post here on Why Won't You Grow?!

Please feel free to scroll back through my posts and marvel at how infrequent my posts have become in the last decade. And then feel free to leave a salty comment telling me how disappointed you are in me.

But I"m going to keep WWYG?! around and I'm going to keep posting on it whenever I feel inspired. Because it is the best collection of my adult life that I have and I quit keeping scrapbooks back in 1990 and quit writing in my journal back in 1993 or so.

I do have some ideas for videos that I haven't sat down yet to implement--something that Hannah asked me to help her with and my promised thoughts on Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (always timely with my posts, huh?).

But those will have to wait for another day as my iPhone is perpetually without adequate storage space for videos and the other iPhone I use is always out of power. (It's charging now.)

But I didn't want to miss the chance to remind myself (and my loyal 5 viewers/followers/subscribers/acolytes) that WWYG?! is still out here and isn't going to go away.

I'm not in it for the clicks, you see. I'm doin' it for me.

Monday, August 01, 2016

Not so Smartie After All

Last Friday when I came into work, I found this sitting on top of my filing cabinet.

Though I do have a history of eating food from strangers here in the office,* I did not choose to eat these, because I have never liked the Smarties candies. They are nothing but slightly chalky sugar pills and are gritty and have no chocolate in them and . . . gross.

So, I turned my back on them (literally, since my desk chair faces away from the cabinet and settled down to work.)

After several hours of diligent pointing and clicking, Darryl (my boss and former Canadian) came by and checked to see if anyone had eaten any of the candies. Since there were not many people working in my row on this summertime Friday afternoon, and since I am too good for Smarties candies, the answer was no.

Then Darryl informed me that--as the cabinet so clearly pointed out--these were Canadian Smarties, so maybe they are different. He encouraged me to set aside my preconceptions and give them a try. Which I did.

And guess what?

These Canadian Smarties are great! They are far superior to the American sugar-based Smarties that are terrible. Our north-of-the-border friends have wisely put chocolate in their sugar shells, vastly improving the taste and experience of these lovely little candies. They are like slightly-harder M&Ms and I can definitely get behind that.

So, I guess I learned that you can't judge a candy by its candy-coated shell (or its labeling).

* My history of eating stranger-provided food in the office aside, I STILL could not bring myself to sample any of the leftover Krispy Kreme doughnuts in the break room this Monday morning. They had been sitting there since last Friday! My doughnut-love DOES have some limits!