Saturday, September 21, 2019

Football Counter-Programming 2019: Week 5

Good day everyone. Welcome once again to another (if tragically brief and entirely unprepared) installment of Football Counter-Programming.

To recap for all of the new people that are undoubtedly surging to this post after the several weeks of triumphant posts so far . . . every week during the college football season I sit down and try to think up ways to divert your attention from the mindless cultural practice that is Saturday college football.

Now, I can't come to your house and offer to play Jenga with you.

And I don't have enough money to buy everyone a ticket to Brad Pitt's new spaceman movie Ad Astra.

But what I can do is use my considerable powers of imagination and writing skill to persuade you with my words. I can spin a tale so beguiling that you find yourself shifting your eyeballs from whatever meaningless 2nd down and 8 to go scenario that your alma mater finds itself facing against Directional Tech (who happens to be winless in the conference and is no real threat to your playoff chances anyway).

Instead you are falling under my spell of story and song.

You find yourself reading through this post and then being so excited by what you've experienced that you click backward through Why Won't You Grow?! and you read the previous month of Football Counter-Programming for 2019.

And it is all so delightful that you decide to go ahead and forgo the plans you had made to grab a quick Saturday lunch at the neighborhood sandwich shop--you know that place that has the delicious garlicky spread?. You figured that you could swing by there during the halftime break--They never show the marching bands anyway--You'd pop in real quick and grab a sandwich and maybe a beer.

 . . . Unless you want to drive back home to eat it, in which case maybe you'll cool it on the beer and see if there are any extras in the basement refrigerator. But you'll definitely be able to drive there, get your sandwich and maybe a drink, then get back home before the start of the third quarter. 

(But you really wish that this local sandwich shop that you love so much took call-in orders because then you could put in your order as you were pulling out of the driveway on your hand-free cell phone -in-car-hook-up and by the time you got there it would be freshly made and ready to go. Ain't technology cool? What a world we live in?! But also . . . speaking of technology . . . maybe this sandwich place is on DoorDash? or Uber Eats? or one of those food delivery things that your kids use?

Is that likely though? I mean, this is not a franchise shop. That is partly what makes their sandwiches so good anyway. Fresh ingredients. They know the locals. They have proven over the last five years that they can make it work in the difficult restaurant business. Not that you know what running a restaurant is like. But your sister-in-law did it. And your best friends cousin also runs a small business dry cleaners, and she is always saying how hard it is to make these types of things work. Not that you have any analogous work experience of your own with regard to that. Even since you were a high-schooler you've somehow always worked for some component of a corporate-type business. Funny huh? Maybe that is why America seems so distant and less personable than everyone on TV swears it used to be--not that you really believe that was ever true anyway.

Andbutso . . . sandwiches! Stay focused or you are going to miss that halftime window!)

So, yeah I guess I can afford to take that time and call in a sandwich--and NOT use that expensive food delivery nonsense--and I'll go and pick it up and be back by the third quarter. And then maybe--well this game isn't very interesting anyway.

Maybe I'll knock off the stupid football watching and keep reading these interesting blog posts. This dummy has been writing them for . . . [clicks around] . . . over FIVE YEARS?! 

Wow. There's gotta be something interesting in at least one of these, right? I'll just search through the archives over there and read some more and that'll probably be more interesting than watching Directional Tech punt another five times.


So, well, maybe that wasn't so short after all.

I hope you enjoyed that bit of unconscious stuff and were similarly inspired to look around and avoid some football. Trust me when I tell you that Directional Tech's head coach STILL makes more money than you do--and he can't even find a reliable left tackle.

See you next week with whatever I think of then.

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