Monday, December 05, 2005

My Christmas Tree is Trying to Kill Me

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
With faithful leaves unchanging;
Not only green in summer's heat,
But also winter's snow and sleet,

It seems like a nice tree, but it's NOT. You would think that it is only here to brighten the holiday season, but that's NOT TRUE!

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
With faithful leaves unchanging.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees most lovely;
Each year, you bring to me delight
Gleaming in the Christmas night.

Yeah, sure. Gleaming. Probably laughing at me inside those "faithful" leaves. What did I do to deserve this, huh?

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees most lovely.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Your leaves will teach me, also,
That hope and love and faithfulness
Are precious things I can possess.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Your leaves will teach me, also.

What exactly will the leaves teach me? To despair? You want to talk about hope? You want to talk about faithfulness? I've GOT faith, Jack! I put you up every year. I think this year will be different. I am ALWAYS wrong.

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blatter!
Du grunst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn est schneit.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blatter!

Sure, the tree SEEMS innocent. It looks like fun for the entire family, doesn't it? But the tree is just lying in wait, sensing its chance to destroy.

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!
Wie oft hat mich zur Wiehnachtszeit
Ein Baum von dir mich hoch erfreut!
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!

Every day I come home from work and you're sitting there, patiently waiting to ruin my Christmas spirit. The outside lights don't want to hurt me. They seem ready to do their part. I plug them in and they start twinkling and gleaming. Instant Noel!

O Tannembaum, O Tannenbaum,
Dein Kleid soll mich was lehren!
Die Hoffnung und Bestandigkeit
Gibt Trost und Kraft zu aller Zeit.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
Dein Kleid soll mich was lehren!

But every time I plug you in, the lights won't cooperate. First only the top strand blinks. I unplug and try again. Now the bottom one's blink but the top won't. I unplug and plug in halfway, jiggling the plug in the receptical for some assanine reason. Now . . . nothing blinks AT ALL!! (Oh, you're good Mr. Tannenbaum! Do you have a green card, by the way?)

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
With faithful leave unchanging.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees most lovely;
Each year, you bring to me delight
Gleaming in the Christmas night.


Now, I have given up in defeat. I'll accept the one paltry strand that blinks. Yeah, that one there about two-thirds of the way down the tree. I wanna know how you did it Tannenbaum. These were brand new lights, bought last year and completely unopened until two weeks ago. How did you make it happen. Most important . . . why?! Why are you trying to kill me?

1 comment:

David said...

OOOHH, that tree is CRAFTY, let me tell you!

I'm going to bed, after airing my grievances about the tree is a public manner.

As I approach, I see that now TWO strands are blinking. The midway strand and now the one on top!

What will tomorrow bring? Only the tree knows, not I!