Friday, September 06, 2019

Football Counter-Programming 2019--Week 3

Welcome back to a new week of this season's Football Counter-Programming. In which I work slightly hard to divert your attention from Saturday college football clogging up your social media feeds.

This week? A window into my soul!


I have a fondness for logos and sports design. And I have a weakness for insanely stupid corporate hype copy. For example, I enjoy incredulously reading the descriptions on the side of beer bottles and cans.

And then on Thursday, August 22, this Ringer post dropped into my lap.

Now . . . I know . . . the goal of Football Counter-Programming is about diverting you FROM football. But the XFL isn't college football is it? And it doesn't perform on Saturdays, does it? And it isn't even available for consumption yet is it?

So, I think I'm fine to proceed here.


Before I get to the stuff I really want to focus on, I'd just like to say that I would--if I ever lose my current job--like to try and break into the field of corporate hype writing. It combines strong elements of brand brainwashing, insane confidence, frequent use of a thesaurus, and a desire to overwhelm the consumer with . . . something. Desire? Longing? Stockholm Syndrome?

And also, read carefully the details of the Ringer story that I posted above. Its seems that the XFL is leaning super hard on a Trump-based, MAGA, fan base with its must stand for national anthem regulations. I really have no belief that the NFL has been Kaepernick'd at all over the last two years. But if the XFL can out-Republican the NFL, then maybe there is hope of splinter political parties and a multi-party America after all?

But now, on to the hype copy!

Read this description of the St. Louis Battlehawks:

Are you not entertained!?!!!

Aren't you ready to strap on your jockstrap and risk your brain's future health all for the glory of the Battlehawks!?! Aren't you ready to curb stomp anyone who doesn't sufficiently MAGA the flag?

If you are, then this hype copy has definitely done its job.

I do worry, however, that the Houston Roughnecks have stolen the inspirational ethos of late 90s Columbus Crew (Hardest Working Team, etc):

It's pretty bizarre, right? But it is also entirely in line with what football is supposed to be.

Masculine. Hyper-aggro. Dependable. Gritty. Outlaw. Badass. Swagger. All of those adjectives that make me want to cringe and disagree with my voting record. All of the things that (apparently) you want in a sports hero--and perhaps a business corporate raider--but none of the things that you want to see walking toward you out in the world itself.

In short--the fantasy we want to tell others about ourselves and our nation. (At least from this exclusively male-centric point of view.)

So, as I type more, I realize that this ad-copy dream job is just another fantasy of my own making. It seems like fun. But wouldn't I hate myself while doing it? 

Would I become my own HeHateMe?

Well . . . just as long as YOU don't hate me, I'll be okay.

Come back next week for another edition of FC-P 2019.

And remember . . . it doesn't matter how well your alma mater might mirror the down-to-earth toughness of your campus town, they've still lace em up one foot at a time just like their gridiron opponent. So, let's be kind out there--at least to the halftime band members.

See you next Saturday!

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